The Revenge of Dr Von Burpinburger Read online

  If you read Eric & Einstein, you will know that John Heffernan has studied mice for many years, even living with a colony of Giant Mexican Jungle Mice. He also helped prepare the first mouse to be sent into outer space, and has trained mice for deep-sea diving.

  Recently, in a ground-breaking move, John has been teaching cats to care for mice in a nation-wide programme using his favourite feline friend Smokey, the mouse-loving cat.

  This book is dedicated to Smokey.

  Also by John Heffernan

  and illustrated by Alex Snellgrove

  Eric & Einstein

  JOHN HEFFERNAN

  illustrated by

  ALEX SNELLGROVE

  Acknowledgement

  John worked on the final stages of this book during a May Gibbs Children’s Literature Trust Fellowship in Adelaide, March 2008.

  First published 2008 in Pan by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Limited

  1 Market Street, Sydney

  Text copyright © John Heffernan 2008

  Illustrations copyright © Alex Snellgrove 2008

  The moral rights of the creators have been asserted.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, scanning or by any information storage and retrieval system, without prior permission in writing from the publisher.

  National Library of Australia

  Cataloguing-in-Publication data:

  Heffernan, John, 1949–

  The revenge of Dr von Burpinburger / author, John

  Heffernan.

  Sydney : Pan Macmillan Australia, 2008.

  9780330424110 (pbk.)

  For children.

  Boys–Juvenile fiction.

  Mice–Juvenile fiction

  A823.4

  Internal text design by i2i design

  Typeset in 12/15pt Sabon by i2i design

  Printed in Australia by McPherson’s Printing Group, Maryborough, Victoria

  Papers used by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd are natural, recyclable products made from wood grown in sustainable forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the environmental regulations of the country of origin.

  These electronic editions published in 2008 by Pan Macmillan Australia Pty Ltd

  1 Market Street, Sydney 2000

  The moral right of the author has been asserted.

  All rights reserved. This publication (or any part of it) may not be reproduced or transmitted, copied, stored, distributed or otherwise made available by any person or entity (including Google, Amazon or similar organisations), in any form (electronic, digital, optical, mechanical) or by any means (photocopying, recording, scanning or otherwise) without prior written permission from the publisher.

  The Revenge of Dr. Von Burpinburger

  John Heffernan

  Adobe eReader format 978-1-74198-253-4

  Microsoft Reader format 978-1-74198-312-8

  Mobipocket format 978-1-74198-371-5

  Online format 978-1-74198-430-9

  Epub format 978-1-74262-490-7

  Macmillan Digital Australia

  www.macmillandigital.com.au

  Visit www.panmacmillan.com.au to read more about all our books and to buy both print and ebooks online. You will also find features, author interviews and news of any author events.

  CONTENTS

  Leave my head alone!

  Cat and mouse

  All about flying

  Coo-razy! Coo-rackers!

  Some parents never listen

  Is that C for Cat?

  Balloonatics!

  Big mistake, Burpee Boy!

  What’s 40 × 15?

  Whiz kid

  Geronimo!

  Back to school

  Of mice and movies

  It’s a deal

  Who wants to be a movie star?

  Just a mouse

  Into battle

  Beware the biting demon

  Caught at last

  Bird bombs away!

  To the moon and back

  LEAVE MY HEAD ALONE!

  The two dark figures crept closer. So close he could feel their breathing. He wriggled and squirmed, but he was strapped to an operating table.

  He tried to scream, but nothing came out. The air throbbed with the sickly glow of computers as the dark ones drew closer and closer … until they were inside his head! Poking, prying, prodding with their cold, sharp instruments. ‘Leave me alone. Leave my head alone!’

  With all his might he at last broke free. Ran. Stumbled. Fell. Picked himself up and ran again, until his legs ached and his heart pounded.

  But still they were there. Chasing, hounding, hunting. Closer, always closer. The little man and the big man. ‘Leave me alone!’

  And then he was caught. The hand held him tight.

  ‘GOT YOU!’

  Einstein sat bolt upright and screamed, fighting against the fingers folding around him, gasping for air.

  ‘It’s OK.’ Eric Wimpleby held his little mate in his hands. ‘I’ve got you. You’re safe now.’ He stroked Einstein until the mouse calmed down a little. ‘Same nightmare?’ the boy asked.

  The mouse nodded, and then shuddered with fear, for it wasn’t just a nightmare. This was also real. There were two real men out there trying to catch him.

  ‘They’re going to get me in the end,’ Einstein squeaked. ‘I know it.’

  ‘But who are they?’ Eric asked. ‘And why do they want to get you?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Einstein replied. ‘It’s such a blur. I don’t remember anything much before you rescued me from that pet shop. All I know is that those men are bad. They want to hurt me.’ He looked very small and frightened. ‘Don’t let them catch me,’ he begged. ‘Promise you won’t let them catch me.’

  Eric held his mate close. ‘Of course, I won’t let them catch you.’ He patted the mouse gently, then placed him on the pillow where he usually slept and lay down himself. They both rested quietly for a few minutes.

  ‘Anyway, they might have given up,’ Eric said after a while. ‘I didn’t see any sign of them yesterday. Maybe they’ve gone away for good.’

  ‘I hope so.’ Einstein rolled over. ‘I really hope so.’

  CAT AND MOUSE

  ‘He’s my mouse. Mine!’

  At the Cheap & Nasty Motel, several blocks from Eric Wimpleby’s apartment, Dr von Burpinburger strode back and forth.

  ‘He belongs to me!’ The doctor beat his chest and burped. (The doctor always burped when he was excited). ‘Not to that silly Eric Wimplebottom, or whatever his name is.’

  ‘That’s right, Master,’ the doctor’s assistant, Tikazza Brique, agreed.

  ‘I created him. I implanted the nanocomputer in his brain.’ The doctor’s face turned purple with fury. ‘And I want him back!’

  Dr von Burpinburger and his assistant had tried all sorts of ways to capture the mouse who had escaped from the doctor’s castle in the faraway land of Bulgonia.

  They hid at the entrance to the apartment building where Eric lived, but the boy used another entrance.

  They followed Eric to and from school, hoping for a chance to grab the mouse, but the boy was too fast. He ducked down alleyways and vanished in the city crowd.

  They even tried breaking into the building, but the doors were too strong. They disguised themselves as electricians, plumbers and cleaners, but the security system was too strict. Yesterday they almost got inside as buskers. But their singing was so bad some of the residents chased them off.

  ‘Think, man. Think.’ The do
ctor gave his assistant a whack over the head to help him think. ‘We have to catch that mouse!’

  The whack must have worked, for Brique’s eyes brightened. ‘Cat,’ he shouted.

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘Cat. It’s simple. Cats catch mice. All we need is a cat.’

  ‘Bah! Cats catch mice, but they also eat them, you nincompoop! We want our little mastermind alive.’ The doctor was about to whack his assistant again, when he suddenly stopped. ‘Wait. Perhaps that’s not such a bad idea at all.’

  ‘Well, thank you, Master.’

  ‘Cat. Yes. Brilliant!’

  ‘You flatter me, Master.’

  ‘Not you, Brique. Me – I’m brilliant. Cat. Why didn’t I think of that before?’

  ‘But, Master.’ Brique wrinkled his brow. ‘I was the one who –’

  ‘Cat-a-pult!’ The doctor held up his finger, and then repeated the word slowly and deliberately. ‘CAT-A-PULT!’

  ‘I beg your pardon, Master?’

  ‘Yes! That’s how we’ll get into their apartment. I’ll catapult you in.’

  Tikazza Brique fell to his knees. ‘Oh no, Master, please. I beg you!’

  But the doctor wasn’t even listening. He was too busy drawing up plans for his catapult and chuckling to himself. ‘Just you wait, you little rodent!’

  ALL ABOUT FLYING

  Eric slept in the next morning. He didn’t play a weekend sport. His parents were too busy for that sort of thing. They worked at least six days a week, leaving before Eric was even awake, and sometimes not arriving home until he was asleep. They were at the office already this morning, like most Saturdays. He wouldn’t see them until the afternoon at the earliest.

  Einstein had already gone, too. There was a little dent in the pillow where he’d slept. Eric sat up, stretched, and climbed out of bed.

  He found the mouse sitting on the rooftop terrace in the morning sun, surrounded by pigeons.

  ‘They’ve been telling me all sorts of things,’ he said when Eric appeared. ‘Jenny here has a bad case of wing wobble. Mary says her feathers are falling out, and Luke (he’s the big one over there) has been bragging about how good he is at pooping on people’s heads.’

  Then Einstein stood and grinned at Eric. ‘Hey, watch this!’

  He clapped his paws and gave a shrill whistle. The large pigeon called Luke flew up into the air, then swooped down and landed next to Einstein. The mouse climbed onto his back and the bird took off again, flying straight up into the sky.

  ‘Yahoo!’ Einstein yelled from high above the apartment. ‘How wicked is that?’

  ‘Be careful,’ Eric called. He’d already lost a cat when it leapt over the balcony after some pigeons. It fell twenty-three floors onto a taxi. He sure didn’t want to lose this little guy.

  ‘Look at me,’ Einstein shouted, waving his arms in the air. ‘No hands!’ Eric covered his eyes.

  After a spiral dive, the pigeon landed. Einstein jumped off and did a little dance.

  ‘Fab and fiercesome, eh?’ he laughed, holding up his paw for a high five. ‘Totally wild and wowsome!’

  ‘Daft and dangerous too,’ Eric added.

  ‘Nah! Piece of cheese, pal. And once I’ve got all the gear –’

  ‘All the what?’

  ‘Flying gear. I can’t be a pilot without flying gear. Helmet, goggles, gloves, a good pair of boots. I’ll be set then.’ Einstein pointed to the sky and howled, ‘I want to fly to the moon and back.’

  Eric rolled his eyes. ‘I want some breakfast.’

  Later that afternoon, Dr von Burpinburger rubbed his hands together. ‘I’m soooo brilliant.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Tikazza Brique asked. Beads of sweat had formed on his brow, and his hands were shaking uncontrollably.

  ‘Of course I’m sure I’m brilliant!’

  ‘No, I mean – are you sure this will work, Master?’

  ‘Of course it will work,’ the doctor huffed as he strapped his assistant into the catapult and began tightening the thick rubber strap that would send Tikazza Brique hurtling through the air to Eric’s apartment. ‘I am an expert in maths and physics, and I’ve done all the calculations. You will land exactly in the middle of their rooftop terrace.’

  ‘Don’t you mean crash, Master?’ the assistant groaned.

  ‘Oh, stop being such a wimp, Brique,’ the doctor growled. ‘Think of the glory.’

  ‘The what, Master?’

  ‘The glory! You will have done your bit to capture our little Einstein!’

  ‘But Master, something feels dreadfully wrong about all this.’

  ‘What on earth could feel wrong?’

  ‘Me, Master. I feel wrong. I’m … terrified!’

  ‘Terrified? Of what?’

  ‘Heights, Master. I hate heights.’ His whole body shook with fear.

  ‘Bah!’ Dr von Burpinburger scoffed. ‘All in the mind, Brique.’ He tapped his head. ‘All in the mind.’

  ‘Please, Master,’ Brique begged. ‘I’m too young to die!’

  ‘Don’t talk nonsense.’ The doctor frowned as he grasped the scissors. ‘You’ll give them the fright of their lives. They won’t know what hit them.’

  ‘But Master –’

  Before Brique could say another word, Dr von Burpinburger cut the rope.

  COO-RAZY! COO-RACKERS!

  Einstein heard the scream and ran to the window. Eric joined him just in time to see a large man flying from the top of the building on the other side of the street.

  ‘Oh no,’ Eric cried. ‘It’s them!’ He gaped at the human missile. Brique was spinning head over heels through the air, thrashing his arms and kicking his legs, and screaming for help. ‘He’s mad.’

  ‘Stupid,’ Einstein agreed. ‘Loony and loopy.’

  ‘Unsafe, too!’

  ‘Risky, dodgy and downright perilous,’ the mouse confirmed.

  ‘It just shows how desperate they are to get hold of you,’ Eric said as Brique hurtled in a high arc across the sky. ‘He’s going to land on our terrace!’

  Frowning, Einstein stared at the flying man. He traced an arc on the window while in his head there was whirring and buzzing.

  ‘No,’ he said, after a moment. ‘Not on the terrace. According to my calculations, he’ll miss our place completely.’ There was more buzzing in the mouse’s head. ‘He’ll miss it by 6.45 metres, give or take a few centimetres.’ Einstein leapt from the window sill and ran towards the terrace. ‘Shall we see if I’m correct?’

  But Einstein was not correct. He knew this as soon as they reached the terrace. The man in the sky was higher than the mouse had thought. And he was moving much faster.

  ‘Oh dear,’ Einstein squeaked. ‘I’m way out.’ He did some more calculations in his head. ‘He’s going to fly right over us and reach the building on the far side!’

  Eric and Einstein weren’t the only ones watching. The pigeons were there, too, perched on the railing, staring up with their beaks open as the barmy Brique hurtled overhead.

  ‘Coo,’ they all cooed.

  ‘Coo-razy,’ Einstein agreed. ‘Coo-rackers!’

  Then there was more buzzing in the mouse’s head. ‘I estimate that the point of impact will be those big windows on the second floor from the top.’

  ‘That’s the gym,’ Eric cried. They could see people running and pedalling on their training machines, and others lifting weights. ‘That’s the Muscle Mansion,’ he added. ‘Where really tough guys train.’

  ‘You mean like boxers?’ Einstein punched at the air. ‘And wrestlers and footballers?’

  ‘Yeah. Those kinds of tough guys.’

  Einstein had a cheeky grin on his face. ‘They’re not going to like him dropping in on their training session.’

  ‘Not one bit,’ Eric said, shaking his head.

  Everyone was gawking at the human cannonball – Eric, Einstein, all the pigeons, and even some of the tough guys on their training machines.

  Brique was flinging his
arms about, and screaming the most awful Bulgonian words. Then there was a deafening crash as he smashed through the window. Einstein cheered and did a jig along the terrace railing, almost toppling over the edge in excitement. The pigeons clapped their wings together.

  Inside the gym, the muscle men were gathering around the intruder. Some had their hands on their hips. Others were shaking their fists.

  But then, from the building behind them, Eric and Einstein heard a voice. It was the small man with the big head. He was furious.

  ‘That mouse is mine! Do you hear? MINE!’

  Einstein jumped into Eric’s top pocket at once, with only his snout and eyes peeping out.

  ‘It’s OK,’ Eric said to Einstein, and shook his fist at the man. ‘I don’t know who you are,’ he yelled back, ‘but just go away. Go away, or I’ll, I’ll …’ Eric wanted to say that his mum and dad would come over there and sort him out. But they weren’t home yet – and even if they were they wouldn’t be much help – so he couldn’t say that.

  But he did wish that someone would sort out the horrible little man.

  SOME PARENTS

  NEVER LISTEN

  The pigeons were rumbling and grumbling among themselves, and snapping their beaks in a clickety-clackety way at Dr von Burpinburger.

  ‘They’re angry,’ Einstein exclaimed. ‘You should hear what they’re saying!’

  Luke clacked his beak and squawked the loudest. Then he flapped his wings angrily and headed off. The others followed. They flew up into the air, circled the doctor, and swooped upon him, pecking and pooping like pigeons possessed. The doctor tried to fight them off, waving his arms and shouting at the birds. But in the end he had to run for cover, cursing all the way.

  Eric and Einstein couldn’t stop laughing.

  In fact, they were laughing so much they didn’t hear Mr and Mrs Wimpleby open the door and step out onto the terrace.